I loved Lassie. Still do.

But basing the decision to add a dog to your family on her you might find a lot of class actions suits popping up for false advertising. (“She” was actually a “he”, let the jury note.) The same goes for Benji, Toto and many other celebrity dogs, short Beethoven and Hooch who weren’t afraid to air their dirty laundry on the big screen. My guess is that if we got them all on a reality show together (think Celebrity Big Brother for dogs), the numbers of adoptions and puppy purchases would decrease as it would reveal the less lovely side of dogs — even the for the cream of the crop.

The care of dogs can and will take a very gross turn occasionally and that is rarely depicted accurately.

It’s kept pretty hush-hush and you only really find out about this dark side of pet ownership after you are already invested. Thank goodness!

But, here’s the cold hard truth — and if you don’t want your significant other to hear these spoilers because they are on the fence as it is — close the browser now.

Okay, here goes:

• Lassie never pooped, and therefore, Timmy’s mom didn’t have to use ultimatums that sounded like, “Timmy! There will be no sleepover at Harry’s until all of the poop is picked up in the yard! This is not my dog, it’s the family dog and everyone pitches in.” Then, in an effort to ensure mom still gets a night to herself, she ends up “helping” or picking it all up herself.
• To my knowledge, Lassie didn’t eat toilet paper, which, as it goes through a dogs system might sometimes have trouble coming out the other end without human assistance. I don’t feel the need to get too much more graphic on this one. You get my meaning, right?
• I don’t ever remember Lassie with eye gunk in her eye as she went to snuggle with Timmy on his pillow.
• I also don’t recall any of Timmy’s family noticing the sound of incessant head shaking that sounds like an earthquake or tsunami approaching. Then, upon further inspection and an unmistakable smell that knocks them out, finding the darkest and most disturbing substance that comes out of her ears on a cotton ball.
• I also don’t think they ever did the scene where Lassie is pacing back in forth, panting, waking the family up as her nails tap the floor continually. But this time, there is no Timmy in the well, just Lassie’s desperate plea to be let outside because she has Montezuma’s Revenge – doggie style.

…need I mention that the long, luscious fur of hers is less dreamy when said Revenge has left remnants behind?

• It may be just me, but did Lassie ever scoot her way across the floor during a family scene due to impacted anal glands? Did anyone notice the smell that accompanies this particular affliction?
• Did you ever see Lassie’s family realize that they had forgotten to apply flea and tick prevention medicine on a particular month because Timmy found a tick the size of a quarter on her ear and have to extract it? At least he would have been able to read this blog post and not feel so alone.

What about Timmy’s mom lovingly petting Lassie only to find little tiny, black guests crawling all over her lovely pink belly? And, in turn, having to fumigate the house of a flea infestation. That episode probably didn’t make the cut.

• Come to think of it, you never saw Lassie’s family pull out the chicken flavored toothpaste to brush her teeth because her plaque was causing breath that could knock them out in one fell swoop.
• And the coup de grace… the scene that probably got left on the cutting room floor:

Timmy wakes – it’s always in the middle of the night – to a sound unlike any other. The sound seems to be revving up in intensity and Timmy realizes that it’s coming from Lassie on the floor.

“Hey girl! Are you okay?”

Lassie is hunched over and her whole body is rolling with each increasingly loud convulsion. Her body looks like she’s doing some gritty depiction of “the wave”. She is clearly working on bringing something up from the base of her body.

“Mom! Something is wrong with Lassie!”

Mom comes rushing in to see the pinnacle of the event where, out of Lassie’s mouth, drops an object surrounded by a slimy, yellow liquid. There, on the rug – it’s always on the rug – is a carcass of what? We do not know. But it clearly did not sit well with Lassie’s tummy upon ingestion.

Now, please don’t misunderstand, this list is not to discourage dog ownership. I wouldn’t choose differently and really, I couldn’t imagine my house without a dog. I just fully believe that when you make the commitment to bring a dog into your family, you are agreeing to love and take care of them, for better and for worse, in sickness and in health, and for cuddling and for eye boogers for the rest of their life. It’s good to be forewarned. For other good examples, I recommend http://www.dogshaming.com.

Did I forget something on the gross list?